Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 29, 2014 1:30am-2:01am PST

1:30 am
[cheers and applause] jorchg that's our show, everybody. unfortunately once again we've lost a great one. here it is your moment of zen. >> just one word try it. now you know half the song. now sing it. ♪ ♪
1:31 am
[crowd cheering] stephen: welcome. thank you so much. thank you so much ladies and gentlemen. as you can tell from the colbert nation march is on the victory again tonight. folks it is night two of my coverage what for legal reasons i'm calling su superb all 48.
1:32 am
the same way i cover hockey's championship, the stand lee cup. [laughter] folks we all know football's america's sport but my beloved gridiron is under attack. >> roger goodell said t legal is considering a proposal that would eliminate points. >> why are we debating the merits of the extra points. >> an example of the nfl can't helping themselves. they've got to change every f-ing year. >> stephen: yes, every f-ing year. first they changed the field goal from 4 points to 3 points in 1909. and now this. when will it end. [laughter] folks it's not just the extra points. there's talk the kick off will eventually be eliminated. come on, how can you, i agree, how can you even call it if nobody touches the ball with
1:33 am
their foot. [applause] that is right. that's the subway calling their sandwich a foot long if they didn't use their feet to make it. and most importantly, place kicker was the last nfl position available to lumpy middle-aged white guys. luckily there still might be a place for me. championship quarterback. i mean how hard could it be. you put your hands between some guy's legs and scream. welcome to my daily staff meeting. meeting. [laughter] so folks just in case i ever lose this job right here i set out to learn the secrets of corporate backary in the latest installment of stephen colbert's fall back position. i began my quest with ledge tree
1:34 am
washington redskins coach joe gibbs. four nfc championships. three super bowls. i was eager to show off myra at -- my raw athleticism. coach thanks for talking with me today, it's a real honor. >> good to be here. >> coach joe gibbs. broadway joe. >> i was never that. >> you're not. is broadway joe not available. [laughter] did he call? this is a waste of mankind. well once again, what an honor. >> i can tell. thank you so much. i can tell. >> obviously a legend in the game of football if i may call it that. but what do you do with your time these days. >> mostly a lot of it's
1:35 am
ministries and racing cars. >> do you do those together. do you have a minister in a race car. >> no. >> what's the name of your ministry. >> game player for, they can see what we're doing. the head coach is playing the biggest game of all. and an all powerful coach would have a good game plan. >> you have three super bowl rings. that's part of god's plan. chuck noel has four super bowl rings. god likes chuck noel more than you. >> he does a better job than i did. >> let me ask you this. are you ready for some football? >> yes. >> a redskins fan born in washington dc, obviously the hey day, fantastic time. john riggens, sandra day o'connor, john g. marshall.
1:36 am
what was it like to coach that team in the 80's. >> it was the greatest experiences. it's the greatest town because of him. i think it's the greatest sports franchise in the world. >> three super bowl victories. huge deal. >> i think it's probably the greatest thing that man could create in a super bowl. >> moveable print. the pyramid of gee sa geaz gizae super goal. not necessarily in that order. [applause] i have a dream, all right. i've already got my emmy, i've got my grammy and my time 100 award. i got the coveted webby award. what i really want is the super bowl ring. you have three super bowl rings. can i see one of them. >> yes, grab one here. take a look.
1:37 am
>> tell you what, you let me keep this ring and we're kind of done. i got what i wanted. >> it takes a lot of hard work to get that. >> not really. i asked you for this and you gave it to me. [laughter] [applause] wow that's nice. might be a little big. hold on. >> that one got away. >> all right, we're fine. [laughter] >> let's go back to a great nfl player. >> i want the most attention, the most money and the most super models with the least amount of physical contact. you definitely want to play quarterback, you get hit back there. you do get hit. >> really. >> most guys that make it start when they're five, work hard of it. i don't see a lot here. >> oh. i'm always working the core. i do a fair amount of hot yoga.
1:38 am
i go through my flow and i play a fair amount of hacky sack. >> it gets a lot of people. i want to tell you that going in. >> what do you think my chances are of being on the field on sure bowl sunday? >> i think you got a lot of work to do here. >> okay great. you ready to do this man. >> i'm ready. >> come on. boom. first, i had to learn how to quarter back from this guy, steve clarkeson, the dream maker. he's trained over 75 quarterbacks including ben rothsberger, tim tebow and sphefstephen colbert. steve, may i call you steve. >> yes. >> steve, may i call you steve. >> yes. >> i always check twice. coach, what does it take to be a good qb. >> the ability to own the room.
1:39 am
>> what does that mean? >> you can basically people know you're there without you saying anything. >> stephen:anything. >> it's steven colbert. what else. >> the first thing before you can learn how to throw the ball, you must learn how to hold the football. [laughter] grab the ball. make sure you got it. you got the grip. first lesson, you must maintain po soafghts ball. >> i did have it. i did have the ball. you slapped it out of my has not. >> that's what happens in the game. >> people walk up and slap the ball out of my hand. >> do you want to own the room. >> i own the room. >> no you don't. do you want to throw the ball. you can't even hold the ball. your balance is off. >> i happen to know you're not wearing a cup. >> tell me you don't have testicles.
1:40 am
[laughter] >> here is a drill that's going to help you feel the rush. as a quarterback you don't want to seat rush, you just want to feel it. >> shouldn't be establish a safe board first. >> there's no safe board. >> a pumpkin patch. >> go. come on come on. get up in it. come on, boy. pumpkin patch. you got to shoarve yo show everu own the room. it's called the quarterback walk. practice. you're looking at your teammate. you got this, okay. all right. show me a quarterback. >> let's do it. >> let's go. [laughter] >> isn't that right. there's much more to come. >> there you go. all right. [laughter] take the west side, west side
1:41 am
story. [applause] >> tune in next time when i own the room for coach gibbs. i cannot work like this. with nfl greats isaac bruce and gerald mccoy. what are you doing. >> that are you doing. >> th 8÷fñ,x,pnpnp
1:42 am
1:43 am
1:44 am
>> stephen: thanks so much. welcome back everybody. [crowd cheering] thank you so much for joining us. i got to say, during the commercial break, i heard some accusations that my superb coverage is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt by talking about sunday's trademark let's call it sports gavin 48. [laughter] because superb all contains the same letters of what's happening on sunday in the exact same order. hello. have you ever heard of a thing called coin sidence. this is about the greatness of man's best friend all and i'm committed to these majestic birds of prey as i am for not getting sued for extra right ion
1:45 am
fringement. america is bringing with hot al controversy. >> the spotted all was considered a species in the northwest for 20 years but now the species is facing a new threat by another specials of all. >> an invasive species of the east. >> they move into an area, they're very territorial and they spot those owls. >> they want to skill one species to save another. >> folks moved by the obama administration raises many troubling questions. should we kill one specials to protect another. if i don't talk about umps at least once this week, could the national football league lawyers kill me to protect their trademark. here to answer those questions is the ceo of the national audubon society david ur yarnel. thank you for joining me. aaron, you're here with an all. with a>> why are so many owlst
1:46 am
superb owl. >> it's a great hunter, it lives in a lot of different types of terrain and the habitat it's invading is habitat that's decaying and it's not being well taken care of. >> stephen: what is going to happen? do you think there's going to be a calling of the bard owls. >> it looks like there will be a calling but i think the key is to focus in the underlying habitat problems that those forests in the northwest have been overlogged and not well taken care of. >> stephen: what is going to happen, how do you think that will take place. heaven forbid but if i were to smother this owl, i said don't worry, would i then be given the presidential medal of freedal. >> i thigh that's probably not how the wildlife fish service started out.
1:47 am
>> stephen: we'reust talking here. [laughter] so you also wouldn't want to do that because once you get to know owls you realize what tremendous hunters they are. they are like the stealth fighters of birds. they have amazing, they have different kinds of wings than other birds so that in dark they can fly, they can hunt, they can see in nearly pitch darkness. the wind just whistles over them. you actually can't hear them coming. >> stephen: that sounds fair fair ---terrifying. why can she turn her head so far around. is she possessed by the devil. >> owls are remarkably flexible. they can turn their heads 370 degrees. >> stephen: what do umps eat -- owls eat oughtn't t to other t e
1:48 am
pops. >> you know about that. it depends on the size of the owl but squirrels, mice, snakes. other types of rodents. even other kinds of birds. >> stephen: let's talk about the big game on sunday for just a moment here. >> sure. >> stephen: obviously everyone out there knows every year we in the press look to psychic animals. they are clairvoyant octopus to pick the winner of the big game. this year we're going with the owl. ssophia i want you to point your wing at the team you like better. i've got two adorable bunnies over here, one in sea hawk justy and one in a broncos justy. so sophia let me ask you, which team do you like for sunday's match up. sophia, no. i want to assure everyone that grief counselors will be made available through the audience after tonight's show.
1:49 am
well either sophia hates them both or loves them both. we'll sift through and see which justy emerge
1:50 am
1:51 am
1:52 am
>> stephen: welcome back everybody. my guest tonight is the best defensive ends. we wul talk about owls, please welcome justin.
1:53 am
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: you are two time super bowl champion, two time probowler, 450 combined tackles, 60 career sacks voted by espn as the 100 top players of the nfl. [crowd cheering] >> best defensive team, you got denver the best offensive team. so what does that mean. who is going to take on sunday. i've got a lot of money running on this. that's obviously just a joke. >> i think it's going to be a great game. i think they say the weather's supposed to be bad and obviously that gives the defense a little bit of the edge. but peyton manning is pretty awesome what he does. i'm going to go with a close one and say seattle squeaks by. [crowd cheering] >> stephen: okay. have you ever sacked peyton
1:54 am
manning. >> only in the pro bowl. it doesn't cowel. >> stephen: so you didn't hit him very hard. >> he actually saw me coming and kind of sat down. >> stephen: how big of a man are you? >> i'm about six five and some change and about 270. >> stephen: do you like hitting people? >> yes. >> stephen: you do. >> the only reason i play the game. >> stephen: really. you're in it for the crunch. >> absolutely. that is the absolute most, i mean think about it. think about this. for me as a defensive end, and i saw your skit about quarterbacks, i hate quarterbacks by the way so you may not want to take that as your fallback position. >> stephen: if i were, because obviously i'm well on my way. >> you sure you. >> stephen: you saw the toolkit i'm working with right now. if i were a quarterback, what look would you give me right before i called the ball.
1:55 am
>> called the ball. >> stephen: called the play, called the ball. >> called the ball. >> stephen: called the ball. >> come here ball. >> stephen: is that what you say, here ball. omaha. if i said omaha, okay. what face would you be giving me? [laughter] we might have to stop for a second for me to change my pants. is there time. we'll keep going. okay. what is it about hitting people that you enjoy? >> honestly, i think especially if it's a good one, everything happens like that. but you hear this like mm-mm, that noise, that sound. you here like huh, any of those little sounds like that, you kind of push up, you kind of have that smile on your face. >> stephen: that's like the
1:56 am
sound of a cat perking t perkin. let me show the helmet. that is a mean looking helmet. that's a darth vader style helmet right there. when you're out in the field are you in a different mind set when you're in the field because people are criticizing richard sherman for his antics and he says when you're on the field, you're in a different mind set. you're three hours of like go go go on the field. looking to crunch ball and collapse organs, can you turn that off. >> you have to be able to. and we always say the owl is called the white line. when you step inside the white lines you're a different guy. i mean look, see all that. that's from those hits that people go eek with. >> stephen: these deep gouges in your helmet is from the flesh of other human beings.
1:57 am
what about the interview on the field. do you think he was over the line by the way. >> not at all. >> stephen: i don't think so either. >> not at all. people don't understand. richard is pretty smart guy. i mean stanford grad, 4.0gpa. getting his masters now. people want to talk about. you have to think he's a young guy sending the seahawks to the super bowl, just made a great play to send the team to the super bowl and you ask him about it he's going to be amped up right there. like he said he's sorry for the fact he took a little of the shine away from the team with what he said but i don't think he had anything to apologize for. that's how i want people to be excited about what they do. the fact of the matter is he's the best at what he does. so i was pretty stoked for him and happy he was able to help his football team win football games. >> stephen: the giants did not make the super bowl this year but the super bowl is being played in your stadium. any chance you guys just rush
1:58 am
the field at some point? [laughter] [crowd cheering] >> thank you so much for joining me. >> stephen: new york giants 7 rjrj,x,x
1:59 am
2:00 am


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on